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Dear Readers,
Many thanks to all the loyal readers of The Shadow.
Thanks to you, our first year of publication was a great success.
We here at The Shadow believe our readers break down to three different categories.
And recognizing this diversity, we would like to welcome each group individually. Of course,
this will only work if you know what category you fall into. Really though, it shouldn't
be too hard. Heck, you've only got three choices for crying out loud.
Group #1
Tingling Fans Eager for More and Dreading the "Sophomore Slump"
Hey, thanks for reading and stuff. It's nice to see you picked up the latest edition.
It must have been an agonizing wait over the summer. All those months going by without any
new Concordia satire. Fear ye not any longer, for The Shadow has returned with a full
staff still intact from last year. Therefore we can promise not to suck this year, too. That's
the main thing we guarantee, that is, not sucking. And it's something no other student run
newspaper at CUW can offer you. We really appreciate you being a reader and all, and as such,
we're wondering if you would be interested in some Official Shadow Merchandise?
Group #2
Freshmen/Transfer Students/Others Who Are New To Us
Hey, congratulations on picking up your very first copy of The Shadow. We're
assuming that's how you found this site to begin with, because the Lord knows there's no
other way to find it. By now you must be thinking to yourself, "Wow, look at all the cool
things CUW has to offer! A Fireworks Extravaganza along the shore, a new Associate Vice President
making grand promises, Spider Infestations, and even their very own weather guy. Wow! Thank
you Shadow!" No, no. Thank you New Reader. Thank you for picking up a copy of our
wonderful little publication. And thank you for being a complete idiot. You see, the stories
in The Shadow are not actual news. Rather, they are, as we like to call them, "satire"
(although our satirical news is still more accurate than The Beacon). All the stories are fake!
Didn't you read the disclaimer on our homepage?
Group #3
People Who Hate Us So Much They Can't Stop Reading Us
(Note: This group composes the majority of The Beacon's readership)
Hey, BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! We come with Doom! Doom!
Sincerely,
Josiah Henderson
Editor in Chief of The Shadow
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