Aries
Your feet tread on dangerous ground oh Aries. The sign that said “Keep off the Grass” is enforced by a shotgun wielding retiree.
Taurus
The fact that you forgot to bring your Advantage card with you to Pick ‘N Save won’t be such a problem, seeing as how you have a bomb duct-taped to your chest.
Gemini
Some people just can’t be replaced. You can search the world over and never find anyone quite like them ever again. Higgins was an exceptional butler but you’ll just have to hire a new one.
Cancer
They say that functionless art is just tolerated vandalism, which makes you wonder why functionless vandalism is so often treated as tolerated art.
Leo
Social drinking is perfectly acceptable, but drinking with the birds and the squirrels at the park and then spending the night on the bench doesn’t count.
Virgo
With taxes out of the way you can concentrate on the more important things in life like polishing your collection of IRS agent voodoo dolls with gasoline.
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Libra
A news story calls ecstasy a gateway drug, which comes as a surprise, since it was introduced to you by your cocaine dealer.
Scorpio
After a horrible year, it looks like the tables are finally turning... unfortunately they are going to do a 360°
Sagittarius
Wedding bells are ringing once again. Of course, that’s nothing to really get too excited about seeing as how you are just the local bell-ringing hunchback.
Capricorn
Excellence is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, but don’t get any big ideas about yourself. You just sweat profusely and that’s all there is to it.
Aquarius
Your date with destiny will eventually end up being just another rerun on a Blind Dating TV game show.
Pisces
You’ll end up inadvertently discovering the mysterious authors of an underground newspaper when you accidentally push a bookshelf and it turns out to be a secret passage into their printing press.
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