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theoriginalshadowstaff -at- gmail.com 		Used Car Salesmen, Telemarketers, Televangelists to Occupy Area Outside Cafeteria

    MEQUON, WI--Used car salesmen, telemarketers and televangelists are joining students at tables outside the cafeteria in their own attempts to reach the college-student market. Concordia director of Student Stuff, John Hurtzer, says it only makes sense to allow such third-parties to join in the harassment of students on their way in and out of the cafeteria: "Outside the cafeteria is the best place to reach the maximum audience while promoting your own agenda," Hurtzer said. "Student groups have been very successful in raising awareness about various social activities and to sell things like T-shirts and so on to the masses flowing in and out of the dining hall. Hopefully, these other groups of individuals - used car salesmen, telemarketers and televangelists - will share in the success."
Some of the new faces you may see outside the cafeteria: Televangelist Gerald Gapnik (left), a fast-talking telemarketer (bottom right) and Papa Tex of Papa Tex’s Used Cars (top right).

Students, however, do not share in Hurtzer’s optimism. "I was walking out of the cafeteria when suddenly this weird guy wearing a cowboy hat got in my face and started telling me that ‘Believe it or not’, he had a car I could afford. It was terrible." complained sophomore Judy Wessh.

Other students voiced similar complaints, but former televangelist Gerald Gapnik says he has had great success in obtaining donations for his new church-related project. "Brother," Gapnik told us, "as streams of water flow from the mighty rivers into the seas, it is in that very way that Concordia students flow from the cafeteria and into my ‘Sermon Zone’ where I subject them to a heartfelt plea for money. If things keep going as they have, soon I will have my new Corvette...er, church gym."


Who knows what secrets lurk on the campus of CUW? The Shadow knows!