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Student Newspaper Celebrates 8th Reader FISHBOWL. The fishbowl was jumping with excitement last week as the University’s number two student publication celebrated the picking up of an issue by sophomore David Sung-Kai, who mistakenly thought he was picking up the much more popular newspaper. The mistaken grab brings the grand total of the paper’s readership to approximately eight people. “We’re very excited,” said Business Manager and contributing writer David Guipe. “The departure of [Sung-Kai’s] issue raises hopes that we can squeeze one more person out of this issue. Imagine that... nine whole readers! At this rate, we should have a double-digit readership within 3.2 years.” The paper has been a staple on campus for years. However, a recent rash of sucking has forced the paper into an unknown, unread abyss. Despite the paper’s recent struggles, some are proposing charging as much as 50 cents per issue, rendering it no longer “cheaper than toilet paper.” Although it still manages to elicit laughter as effectively as blank, two-ply sheets of white cotton. “We feel that by creating an inferior product and charging money, we’ll be better able to compete with the other, superior, freer papers on campus,” said Guipe. Other staffers claim the price hike was necessary to offset higher printing costs. According to Guipe, “That extra fifty cents is almost enough for a load of laundry!”When asked how they felt about the competitor’s chest thumping, the writer and editor of another campus student publication both managed to keep a straight face for at least fifteen seconds. |
| Who knows what secrets lurk on the campus of CUW? The Shadow knows! |