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Articles Suck So Hard No Ideas Can Escape

The resulting phenomenon is being called a transubstantiating black hole, and is the first of its kind. The black hole also provides incontrovertible proof of hundreds of physics theorems based upon Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.

Physicists are naturally ecstatic. John Robberson, head of the University’s physics department, actually cracked a smile when he said, “This is possibly the most important discovery in the history of physics. It is unfortunate for the rest of campus, of course, but progress always comes at a cost from time to time.”

The cost in this case has been a sudden increase in widespread apathy for important campus issues. Many students have feelings similar to that of junior Omar Goodwreck. “I mean, we have important issues like DELDOSTQ being used to prevent plagiarism and the crucial debate over which PDA is best that desrve to be discussed intelligently,” commented Omar.

The fake newspaper, however, defends its editorial page vehemently. “In the past, we used to write about relevant things,” said Editor-in-Chief Winona Reidenbach, “but recently we’ve moved to more suck-based commentary. We think it’s the suck that brings people in. People seem to love the sucking. And our humor really, really sucks. So I’d say we’re doing pretty good.”

Robberson credits the increased suckage with causing the massive space and mind distorting vortex. “Never before had we seen the necessary concentration of pure, unadulterated suck to warp space like we’re seeing now. I can’t wait to have my physics class run tests next week in the laboratory.”

Reidenbach used Robberson’s commentary as validation for her point of view. “See? The suck? It’s good,” she said.

However, the fake newspaper’s columnists are not the only group contributing to the massive suckage lurking on the back page every other week. Often, students unwittingly add to the sheer mental drain factor of the page. Notable incidents of reader-contributed idiocy this year include a pointless discussion of what art is, several demands by athletes for more respect, and various running battles about gay marriage and the punctuation used in chapel handouts. Oh, and several articles from what can only be assumed to be intelligent monkeys.

The consequences of severe sucking.