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“Not long ago,” Renuldde told the audience, “your school observed Alcohol Awareness Week. That’s good. Unfortunately, your awareness of special weeks, days and months is very limited. You skipped Pudding Awareness Day and Gambling Awareness Month. That is understandable, since every single day, week and month of the year is special. This week is Week Awareness Awareness Week, a week in which you will learn all about the special occasions that fill our calendars. For instance, did you know that today is ‘St. Piety XXVIII Day’? And this week is also ‘Grape Juice Awareness Week,’ a time when the medical benefits of grape juice are celebrated.’”

Renuldde went on to reveal the special calendars he sells which show all of the special occasions that most people forget. “I know it’s confusing,” Renuldde said. “Sometimes what week it is depends on where you are. For example the week of March 1st is ‘Remember the Alamo Week,’ but that’s only if you are in America. In Mexico, that week is ‘Remember How We Kicked Some American Butt at the Alamo Week.’ Also, many special days are specific to your religion. For Lutherans, November 9th is Martin Luther’s birthday. However, if you are an atheist you celebrate Carl Sagan’s meaningless birthday on that day. Also, every denomination and religion has its own day of prayer. For Tibetan Monks that would be every day of the year and for atheists that day comes only once a year, on the 31st of February. If you are environmentally friendly you celebrate Earth Day on April 22nd. If you hate the earth, you celebrate Robert Oppenheimer, the man who invented the atomic bomb’s birthday on April 22nd. Columbus Day is of course October 12th. If you are politically correct and white, however, you must celebrate: ‘I’m Sorry That I’m White, Even Though My Ancestors Were Miserable, Exploited Peasants In Europe When That Greedy Punk Columbus Came To America’ Day.

“And of course you all know what December 25th is,” Renuldde said. “That day happens to be my birthday. Be sure to send me your donations so that I can continue to keep everyone up to date.”

Donavan Renuldde: Today is a very special day.