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Sarah Ann Coleman: CUW’s new Associate Vice President

Mequon. Welcoming students this year is a new face, the University’s recently named Associate Vice President, Sarah Ann Coleman. Coleman brings in a new set of priorities to the job, as she hopes to refocus the University and usher in a new era of success. In her speech at the start of Welcome Week, Coleman said, "I really appreciate how far past presidents have come but I see much work to be done. Hey you in the third row, yeah you, Shorty, are you a leprechaun? No? Sorry, I saw you were

When asked how she plans on going about these monumental tasks, Coleman reported, "You know, I’m a real go getter. I’ve got the list of my priorities and I’m just going to plug away, making sure to finish one before I move on to the next. First and foremost, of course, is proving to all the skeptics out there that leprechauns exist, and that they are solely responsible for the existence of deliciously addictive Miracle Whip® sandwich spread and Pennzoil. Perhaps I’ll lure them to the university with my new ‘Leprechaun Affirmative Action’ plan. Then I’ll also prove the existence of Santa Claus, Iraq's WMD's, and a song by Nsync that doesn’t suck. The undergrad thing is somewhere in the top 4/5’s of the list."

Also notable on the list, ranking higher than improving undergraduate education at the University, is "implement all-unicorn public transportation" at number 13, "beat Zelda on original NES" at 56, "quit this awful job and take better one at Ivy League school" at 89, and "build world peace machine" at 245.

"My initial designs show that the world peace machine will be fueled by sacrificed virgins and Lucky Charms," reported Basil White, a colleague of Coleman "so catching that leprechaun will really help with that. Especially if he hasn’t met any lady leprechauns yet."